Syndicate
by shawn-n-belle
Summary: She has written several paragraphs and only to delete them all, because there are no words in the English language to tell Arizona how truly sorry she is.


Syndicate

**Tagline: **_"Dear Arizona, we are both idiots." _

**Summary: **She's wrote several paragraphs and only to delete them all, because there are no words in the English language to tell Arizona how truly sorry she is.

**Spoilers: **7x09

**Pairings: **Character study of Callie Torres. Mentions Callie/Arizona. Callie/Mark.

**Rated: **PG-13

**Disclaimer: **All television shows, movies, books and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings and events thereof, are properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

**Author's Note: **I think this would make a better video than it would an one shot. But basically this is just a character study of Callie and everything that she is thinking and feeling after her sorbet with Mark adn how she is addressing her situation with Arizona. I enjoyed throwing the flash backs in there because i felt like they were entering her mind as she was laying there. I'm kind of fond of the ending but I don't know, that's just me. I think it may just be my fever talking. Aha. Anyway, please enjoy!

* * *

"Don't know what your made of  
Til the one thing that you want  
To come in with the dawn and suddenly changes  
Monday, syndicate meets everyone the same  
But all we've lost to the flame  
Listen to me now

Baby close your eyes  
Don't open til the morning light  
Don't ever forget  
We haven't lost it all yet  
All we know for sure  
Is all that we are fighting for  
Baby don't forget  
We haven't lost it all yet"

Syndicate- The Fray

She hates the way the apartment smells like sex now, the way that her body feels broken and betrayed as his rough hands stroked, caressed and scratched in all the rightfully wrong places. She hates the way that she can still feel his lips upon her naked skin as he fumbles out her name from his lips. She hates the fact that even though she has has taken a hour long shower, she still smells like everything Mark Sloan. She hates the way that she can still feel him, all over her, inside of her as her mind pleaded mercifully for this all to just simply end. Her stomach churns in disgust as she reflects on the feeling of his hungry lips upon her skin as he removes her underwear, his body hovering above hers. The bile rises in her throat as the tears trickle in her dark brown eyes as she finally makes sense of everything that she has done.

She wanted a distraction. A diversion to the pain that haunts her every breath. A diversion that makes her forget exactly how badly it hurts to be alive without her now. Something to make her forget. Something to make her forget about the way that her icy blue eyes sparkled with excitement, the way that her smile lit up any room that she walked into, the way that her curls fell innocently around her shoulders, framing her flawless face. She needed something to make her forget the way that her voice sounded when she was calling out her name, the way that her naked body felt against hers as they moved to a rhythm all their own, the way she tasted and loved so dearly. She needed something to make her forget every touch, every scent, every moment, she needed something to make her forget _everything_ about Arizona Robbins.

Except, she couldn't. Even with her sorbet, she rolls her eyes at the thought. How stupid is she? Even with a sorbet, even with trying to put herself out there, with flirting with the red head who doesn't even remotely like her, it does not change the fact that Arizona Robbins left her in Seattle Airlines Terminal that night and it does not change the fact she still holds every piece of her heart. She would take it all back if she could now, she sighs. She would go back to that moment and stop those words from falling from her lips, she would take Arizona's hand within hers and tell her that she loves her, that she is in love with her. If she could take it all back, she would never let her go, she would love her right and never let their love die. If she could take it all back, she would do everything so very, very different. However, she can not take it back, as she threads her fingers through her tangled raven black curls, there are no do overs in life, no rewind button.

Worlds apart, her soul mate is working diligently to save the lives of children; children who never saw a physician in their lives, children who are fighting off sickness that aches through their bones. Worlds apart, her soul mate is making a difference, changing the future and she hates the way that she never told her how proud of her she is. She stole it from her, the happiness, the excitement and she hates herself for it. The Carter Mason grant is such a prestigious grant, one that hardly any one ever wins without having some strings in the pull, and the chances of Peds winning the grant is even lower. But Arizona Robbins won. Her Arizona. She beat out every one and every department in a two year race. _Her_ girlfriend. _Her_ soul mate. _Her_ Arizona. And she allowed herself to get too caught up in the Africa aspect of it, to actually be happy for her.

She sits in the dark now, curled up in the chair across from a slumbering Mark with her laptop open in front of her. In a frustrated sigh, she grumbles as she stares at the blank document addressed to a McPerky (underscore) 2.0 (at) hotmail (dot) com. There is so many things that she wants to say to her, so many words that she needs her to hear, so many things that she needs her to feel, that she needs her to understand. Taking a swig of the wine in the glass that sits idly by on the table, she wonders where to begin, what to say, how to explain how truly sorry she is.

___"Ortho, right?" A bubbly voice of a stranger calls out to her and she rolls her eyes inwardly. Great, she grumbles, even at Joe's, I'm still working. Wiping the mascara from her eyes, Calliope makes a mental note to buy the waterproof kind the next time that she goes shopping. _

___"Yeah. Right. Hi," She forces the formality. _

___"Arizona Robbins. Peds surgery. I've seen you around the hospital. Are.. are you okay?" Arizona asks and Callie sighs, staring at the face that is reflected back to her in the mirror. A part of her wants to snap at her, snap at her because what normal person stands in the bathroom at some pub, crying her eyes out? Snap at her because she is a stranger and why does she even care if she is okay? But she can't. She can't snap or be irritable or do anything other than think how absolutely beautiful this angel before her is. _

___"You know, I'm fine. Fine," She laughs with a smile, turning around to face the curly blond stranger and instantly she is taken aback by the beauty that surrounds her, by the warmth and love. _

___"People talk. Where we work. People talk. _**___A lot_**___. So for the sake of being honest, I think I should tell you that I know things about you because.. because people talk," Arizona stutters in a nervous ramble and the Latina arches her eyebrow._

___"Oh you mean..." to this, the blond nods her head and Callie sighs, "terrific." _

___"It is, actually. The talk. People really like you over there. They respect you, they are concerned and they are interested. They really like. Some of them _**___really_**___ like you. You just.. you look upset and I thought you should know, the talk is good. And when you're not upset. When you're over being upset, there will be people lining up for you," Arizona ends her speech with a large smile and Callie laughs. _

___"Want to give me some names?" The Latina laughs. Arizona smiles widely, shaking her head before she presses her lips against hers, cupping her face within her hand as her lips tingle delightedly against hers. Pulling away, her blue eyes reflect in Calliope's chocolate brown and she can not stop the smile upon her face. _

___"I think you'll know," Arizona winks. _

Twisting her fingers in her raven black curls, she chews innocently upon her bottom lip as she stares at the blank document, the cursor blinking rapidly in a taunting manner. Swallowing hard, she glances from the blank document to the sleeping man in the bed, covers around his naked body as he snores to a melody all this own. The tears prick in her dark eyes as she shakes her head, forcing her fingertips against the keys. How could she tell her this? How could she make her understand that she still loves her, even after everything they have been through?

___Dear Arizona, _

She begins with a heavy heart.

_" __I hate, hate, hate this merger because I hate long distance relationships. I.. I don't believe in them. So you can't move to Portland," Arizona stutters in her nervous ramble and Callie smiles inwardly at the familiarity of the moment, at the comfort and the love that rushes through her. _

___"Well, when I mentioned it this morning, you didn't seem to mind. You were like... "Move to Portland!" Callie replies, taking the left over pizza box from the fridge. _

___"I didn't know that I was allowed to mind. I didn't know we were girlfriends. But, then you said girlfriend. You called me your girlfriend. So, I need to know. Am I your girlfriend?" asks Arizona nervously at the smile lights up Callie's face. _

___"Yeah," She smiles. _

___"Okay. Good. So, yeah. No! You're not moving to Portland! What you're going to do is you're going to go in into the Chief's office and you're going to beg.." _

___"I am not going to grovel,"_

___"Ah. Yes, you are. Seriously. You don't want to mess with me," Arizona smiles and Callie can not control the grin that curls upon her face as well. _

She traces the shape of the keys under her fingertips, licking her dry lips as she tries to make sense of the situation, of the naked man in the bed across from her. She has made so many mistakes in her life, so many moments where she can look back and know exactly where everything went wrong. With a heavy sigh, she knows this is one of those moments. One of those moments where she allowed her mind to think out of revenge, out of desperation than to think about the consequences of her actions, than to think about exactly how broken she will leave the only person who means anything to her. She didn't think about Arizona and she hates herself for allowing their love to fall between the cracks.

___Things have been wrong since you've been gone away. So unbelievably wrong. I'm broken. I'm not okay without you. Which I'm sure sounds insane, I know. Because I'm Callie Torres. Calliope Iphigenia Torres. I'm a rock star. But I'm _**___your_**___ rock star, aren't I? That's why all of this is so wrong without you. I've made mistakes in my life and I realize now my greatest one was letting you walk away that night without fighting for you. _

How could she let this happen? How could she let the love of her life pick up everything that she owned and move to Africa for the next three years? How could she let the moment pass by without telling her how proud she is of her? How could she not tell her how much she loves her? How could she just jump back into bed with Mark Sloan, even though she knows that Arizona is the one she is meant to be with? Shaking her head, she struggles to keep the tears at bay as the weak cry escapes her lips in a desperate whimper. How could she fail her like so?

___"I'm going to go see if kids need help finding their parents," Arizona breaks the silence as her heart screams out for the beautiful Latina before her. She turns to leave before Calliope's melody of a voice calls out, stopping her in her tracks and she stands immobile. Like an hourglass glued to a table. Frozen and out of time. _

___"People died. People are dead. I don't want to have kids if it means that I can't be with you," Callie squints in the harsh sunlight but Arizona only shakes her head, licking her dry lips as she approaches her love. _

___"No. No. We'll have kids. We'll have lots of kids. We'll have all kinds of kids. And I..I always thought that I wasn't cut out to me a mom but you'll be a great mom, an _**___amazing_**___ mom, and I love you so much and I can't live without you and our ten kids," Arizona cries out as her lips collide with Calliope's. _

Staring at the screen, she takes a long swig of the wine before she knows that it is time. Time for her to swallow her pride, to own up to her mistakes, time to admit the truth and move on with her life. Except, the truth just may be the hardest thing for her right now.

___But there's something... something happened. There's something you deserve to know. Something I have to tell you. And I hope that you can find it somewhere within you to forgive me._

She won't understand it, Callie sighs as she twists her fingers in her hair. She will hate her for it, she will hate her for her inability to stay out of bed with Mark Sloan, she will hate her because she already has an inferiority complex with Mark. Yet, mostly, she knows this will break her completely and she can not stand the thought of being the one who put the tears within her eyes.

_"__I have something.. to ask you," A drunken Callie stutters out. _

___"Oh no," Arizona whispers quietly to herself, her blue eyes staring into Callie's dark brown. _

___"I want you to move in with me. I love you and you have a drawer and a toothbrush. And I want you to have a whole dresser and a whole... blow dryer. Or something more romantic. Unless you're just.. totally hating the idea, which would.. be okay," Callie painfully manages to stutter out. _

___"Is that it?" asks Arizona._

___"Is what it?" Callie intrigues in confusion_

___"You just.. you want me to move in? To a place that I basically already live?" _

___"Mhmm"_

___"Thank God. Yes. Yes. Calliope, yes. I would love to have a dresser and a blow dryer or something more romantic," She smiles and suddenly everything just falls away and nothing else manages to matter._

With a shaky breath, she finds the strength somewhere inside of her. She finds the strength buried within the secret smile, with the feeling of her hands against her skin, against the sound of her voice calling out her name. She finds the strength somewhere inside of the love that she has for her and she can't seem to write the words fast enough. They scream in her head like a song begging to be written down on paper, coming together and falling apart to create a string of heart wrenching sentences in which she holds nothing back.

___"Oh! Oh! I'm awake. See! I'm.. I'm totally awake! There's... hats and gifts and lingerie!" She places the party favor between her lips as she blows desperately but only a weak sound escapes it, "Really?" Her eyes finding Arizona's flawlessly beautiful face, she laughs in embarrassment and her heart skips a beat when those piercing blue eyes stare into her. _

___"I love you," Arizona whispers so simply as if it is the answer to all the worlds problems. _

___"You do?" Callie asks in shock and Arizona nods her head with a smile._

___"I do," She smiles and Callie can not stop the smile upon her face. She is her first. The first person that she was willing to give up her family for, the first person to stand up to her father, the first person to hold her when she cried, the first person that she let inside, the first person that she allowed to be her strong tower and now she is the first person to tell her I love you. Arizona is right, she's perfect, she's the one. _

___"I love you, too," She sighs happily._

The memories race through her mind as the tears fall from her eyes, creating imperfectly broken lines down her face. How could she allow this to happen? How could she allow the greatest relationship she ever had to fall apart? How could she stand there silently, watching her walking away? With another long drink of the wine, she continues to write the email, pouring out her heart and soul to the blond Peds surgeon miles away. Does she know it? The way that she loves her? The way that her heart skips a beat when she is near her? Does she know the way that she gets nervous when she is around her? The way that she stutters and her palms still get sweaty even after all this time? Does she know that she is the best damn thing in her life? Does she know that she would lay down her life for her in a second? Does she know that she is her soul mate? The one who is meant to be her wife? Does she _know_?

She writes the paragraphs only to delete them moments after in a sigh of frustration. She deletes everything she has ever wrote as she twists her fingers in her raven black curls. She can't find the words because there are none in existance to explain how she feels. No words to tell Arizona Robbins exactly how much she loves her, no words to tell her how truly sorry she is. Fueling the inspiration of the moment, she finally allows herself to write the one thing that she has wanted to say since that night at Seattle Airlines Terminal, she finally allows herself to give in to the love that pulses through her veins. With a content smile, she presses the send button before closing the laptop and gathering her things.

"Torres?" A sleepy Mark grumbles awake as he watches the raven haired beauty gather her things from the floor, an usual smile plastered upon her face. She giggles quietly, slipping the shirt over her curves, biting her bottom lip, trying to suppress the large grin but she can no longer control it.

"I"m going to Africa," Callie giggles in excitement and Mark only stares at her in confusion.

"Wait. I don't... wait... what about your sorbet?" Mark exclaims, raising up in the bed and she only smiles at him with a nod of her head, pulling the jeans over her waist. It was always right there, always right in front of her all along and she hates the fact that she never saw it before.

"It made me realize something. I'm an idiot. I love her, Mark. I love her. I love her and I just stood there and let her get on a plane and leave for Africa for three years. Three years! I'm an idiot because I let her go and I didn't even.. I didn't even tell her how proud I was of her or how much I love her. I'm an idiot because Teddy is right. What Arizona and I have is rare and no amounts of sorbet," Callie exclaims with a wave of her hands and a laugh, "is going to change that. She's the one for me. The one." She sighs happily as Mark only sits, listening intently.

"I'm going to Africa because when you love someone, when you truly love someone, nothing.. nothing else matters. The reason I didn't want to go to Africa was because I thought my life was here but it's not. Arizona is my life. Arizona is.. she's everything to me, Mark. I have to fight for her. Fight for us. I just.. I'm going to Malawi. My world is in Malawi right now. That's where I belong and you've.. you've known that all along, haven't you? When you told me that I needed to learn to love Africa, too, that's what you... you knew that I would realize that my world is Arizona, not Seattle, not some job at the local hospital.. you knew that I would realize that the only thing that mattered was Arizona, didn't you?" She waits for an answer but when he takes too long, she only laughs.

"You know what? It doesn't matter now. I just.. I have to go. I have to go. Africa is waiting for me," Callie rambles in excitement, grabbing her laptop before she shuts the bedroom door behind her. Mark only laughs at his best friend's excitement before he lays back down in his bed, running his fingers through his blond hair with a chuckling laugh, a smirk bestowed upon his face.

"Mark Sloan. Saving relationships, one lesbian at a time," He smirks.

* * *

Half way around the world in Malawi, Africa, a blond Peds surgeon pulls up her inbox in a yawning sigh, excepting to find useless junk mail and one very complainant email from Teddy in which she describes the failure of dating. Propping her head on her wrist, she watches as the slow connection loads and her eyes light up when she sees a familiar address. Clicking it instantly, the message loads quickly and her eyes scan those fifty four words written out of undying love. Those fifty four words that just might change everything.

_Dear Arizona, _

_I miss you. We are both idiots. I'm getting on a plane tonight. I'm coming to Africa. I __**want**__ Africa. I __**want**__ you. Please wait for me. I love you, mi princesa. That never changed and it never will change. You're my forever and I can't wait to prove it to you. _

_All my love,_

_Callie. _

_

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You know you want to share your thoughts with me! Maybe it will help me beat this flu! :)


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